I hate to be the one to tell you this, but a food-dipping fountain for Hidden Valley Ranch dressing is a thing that exists, and now I officially know what my last thought will be when I'm on my deathbed frantically trying to come up with any semblance of meaning behind my life on earth.
You might be wondering what circumstances could've possibly led to us to this grotesque outcome, so let's just run through the key bulletpoints as quickly as possible so we can all try to move forward and pretend this isn't really happening.
Hidden Valley is currently knee-deep in an unfortunate promotional campaign called #RanchOut, in which fans of the dressing are encouraged to, well, ranch out (presumably with their snacks out). It's a horrifying spectacle involving $50 jewel-encrusted bottles of ranch, $20 salad dressing bottle coozies, and whatever the hell this music video is supposed to be:
Sure, it all seems like a garden variety (albeit slightly unsettling) promotional campaign... until you gaze upon this utterly Lovecraftian nightmare:
If you need a few seconds to process what you just saw, I understand—I certainly did when I first saw it. I recommend taking a walk, looking at a sunset, or just calling up your loved ones and telling them how much they mean to you.
For $100, you can buy the Hidden Valley Ranch fountain. What's especially interesting about the sentence I just typed is that it's 100% true and not the end result of a special committee of writers tasked with creating the most unsavory series of words imaginable.
And if you're worried about not getting enough bang for your buck when you buy this fountain of infinite sadness, fear not—the fine folks at Hidden Valley have you covered. Each fountain comes with "a year's worth" of ranch dressing.
What constitutes "a year's worth" of ranch, you ask? It's got to be a dollop, right? OK, fine—maybe it's a single bottle you keep in the fridge for those times you run out of hummus, vinaigrette, or literally every other possible condiment. Surely it can't be more than one bottle, right?
Well, strap yourself in, because according to Hidden Valley, a year's worth of ranch dressing is twelve 36-ounce bottles. Twelve. That's 432 ounces of the stuff, gurgling and cascading into an unfortunate pool of what can only be called a culinary crime scene.
The fountain has a 2-pound capacity. Now, two pounds doesn't seem like a lot until you imagine it in the form ranch dressing, and then it suddenly takes on a whole new meaning. It's sort of like when you see those infographics of the size of our sun compared to the biggest stars in the observable universe, especially since thinking about two pounds of ranch dressing and giant, dying stars both leave you feeling utterly hopeless and confused.
So there you have it. It's a fountain of ranch and it's $100.
I don't know what else to add, really. I think I'm going to go skip rocks on a lake and try not to think about it.